How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
