If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
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If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
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I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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