I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
