OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
