Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
