watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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