i just sent this text using only my big toe
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
