I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
