you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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