Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
