i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
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I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
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We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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