This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
