u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize