can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
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