But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
