I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Randomize
