Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Randomize
