so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize