A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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