well I can't set my house on fire every night
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
