How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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