It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
