Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
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