Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
