my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
