: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize