So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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