Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
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