I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My cha cha got a haircut
thank god. going down on you was like chewing on astroturf
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
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