I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
