I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I did not marry a roomba.
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