Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Randomize
