Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
