The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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