nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
