Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
