Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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