ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Randomize
