Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
