Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
Randomize
