I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Randomize
