Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Someone shit on the floor
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
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do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
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call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
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