What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
