We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Having a random hookup so left but love u
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
