Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
