you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
