Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
