for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
