Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
