Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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