I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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