I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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