Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
where are you?
Hypothermia
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
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