When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
