I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
