Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
